REPORT NUMBER: 2001-137 DATE POSTED: 12-16-01
the idiot responsible for all this crap: Pete Altieri contact@lowtwelve.com
| Welcome Twelve
Heads . . . as always - it's good to see you here in our brutal
world. And oh how brutal it can be! Wait until you read this
report for the ages . . . as we conclude our story about the poser
capture. You'll surely marvel at my sheer nastiness my metal-starved
friends.
As previously reported in the Hump Day Report, the new Special Warped Holiday issue of the Low Times came out this week. It looks awesome! More on that later. Also we've been selected to be the feature of In Dark Purity Magazine from the Philippians in their first issue. What an honor! Also some funny behind the scenes stuff at practice this week as a special guest shows his face at Hippie's. We'll be giving you an update on the Skank Off 2001 voting, and more shows being booked for 2002. You'll read all about it my brothers and sisters. What you are about to read my friends is a testament to what believing in something can achieve. As you know, I'm old school and like it that way. Sometimes I come into contact with people who don't understand what real metal is - and it's my duty to educate them. This past week, with the poser quivering in the closet, I had a chance to educate him. Sit back and learn . . . for you are about to see something no one else ever has. Now get on with it! BREAKING INTO CHAMPS |
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| After several
months of attempting to get into Champs in Oak Lawn Illinois (a suburb of
Chicago), we finally secured a date. We'll be throwing down for them
on Friday February 1st. They are going to start doing real heavy
bands once a month, since Smiler Coogan's closed down. Smiler's used
to do regular death/trash metal shows, and so Champs is hoping to cash in
on that crowd. Fuckin' A!
It's funny, when the lady called to book the show, she said she was afraid when I sent her our cd and promo materials many months ago, and so that's why she didn't call us. When I asked her to explain, she mentioned the Low Times we included in our packet had stuff in there about psychos and all. She was referring to the Charles Ng and Leonard Lake article Tim wrote in issue #15 (March/April 2001). I'm sure Tim will love hearing that! It really freaked her out I guess! Anyway, she was really cool and I assured her that we wouldn't abduct any of the help, or chop anyone up in small pieces. She was grateful and was happy to book the show, since she played the cd in the bar one night and many metal heads asked when we were playing there. She also said someone was there who used to work at Riley's Rockhouse in Aurora and said we were one of the best live bands he had EVER seen. Hell yeah! So a combination of shock value, good tunes, and impressing someone during a live performances, was what did it my friends. As you see from this simple story, that sticking to your guns and playing the shit you love, eventually sinks in to others. We'll be sure to tear the place a new ass and bring other great Heavycore bands along with us on future trips. IT'S OUT! |
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The new Low Times hit the
streets this week and is in all the usual Bloomington/Normal
locations: Absolute Body Piercing, Artkore Tattoos, Midwest
Exchange, Monster Pawn, Shockwaves, Deadpan Alley, and Mother
Murphy's. Go pick up a copy if you don't subscribe.
Subscribers of course got theirs early and delivered to their house.
Want to subscribe? Send $10 for one year (6 issues): Low
Twelve Command Center, PO Box 4324, Bloomington IL 61702.
Fans outside the US send $15.
As you can tell, Jeff Gaither did another awesome cover! Have you ever been to Jeff's site? It's awesome. Bands can check out his stuff and have him do posters, cd covers, or whatever! Fans can order t-shirts, like I have, and posters from some killer metal bands. He's worked with many bands like the Misfits, Mushroom Head, Testament, and Heavycore brothers like 100 Demons and PCP. Check it out now! |
This issue is chock full of good stuff like a real warped psycho of the Month, dubbed the Santa Claus killer. You'll dig it for sure. In addition, Wes has some drum tab in there for our new song "Lines Drawn", Les does his usual fashion spoof, pics from the Core For Cancer show, Tim leaving the band, and a great poster with the Low Twelve Days of Christmas. Get one today!
They're also at Pontiac Exchange in Pontiac Illinois, and are spread out in the San Fransisco CA area, Quad Cities IL area, Riley's Rockhouse in Aurora Illinois, and other spots throughout the US.
Remember that our next Low Times will be #20. That's a historical milestone for the zine that started out with a circulation of 125 and has grown to over 1,000. We'll be unveiling Rude Joe's actual identity in that issue, plus some great looks back at past issues, a very special Nasty Bastard, and more. We'll keep you posted on it. It's due out in late January.
SKANK OFF 2001 UPDATE
Have you cast your vote
yet? Oh man, it's turning into quite the contest as Betty Bruiser keeps
the lead, with Anal Annie closing in. It's a real nail biter my friends,
to see which of these raunchy bitches will take the crown of Skank of the
Year.
What the hell are you waiting for? Vote today! You can vote once a day, so get to it. Adults only, extremely offensive sexual material. Click on the button below if you are 18 or older.
your ad could be here . . .
getting you some business!
bands, labels, zines, radio, whoever - put your banner here for $5 per month
we can design the banner for you - for free
mixed with funny ads to make people want to check it out
that's 4 Brutality Reports for a measly $5 . . . approximately seen by 20,000
fans each month
| IN DARK PURITY FEATURES LOW TWELVE | |
| Many thanks to
Alexander Dela Cruz with In Dark Purity Magazine, who has decided to
feature us in his premiere issue due out at the end of the month. He
really digs Low Twelve, and we appreciate his support. I mentioned
that his zine is based out of the Philippians in last week's report.
We did the interview with him this past week, and he'll be doing a big review of the cd and talking about all kinds of good stuff. We'll be posting the review soon, and once the issue is out, the interview will be posted as well. We'll let you know how to order a copy if you want to check it out for yourself. Heavycore bands can contact me about getting hooked up in this new zine. Other bands, well, you can kiss my fuckin' ass. We only help our own here. THE DOCTOR IS IN! |
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| This week we had a special guest
drop by on Thursday night. Dr. Fitch from the message board!
Man, we hadn't seen Ftich for a while and he dragged his ass over to catch
a practice.
He got to hear us work on the new tune, "Kill Everything", and probably was sick and tired of listening to it. When we work on new stuff, we usually warm up with a few songs to start off, then we spend the rest of the practice doing it over and over. It's really the only way to try various things, and to come up with way of making it sound better. This song really kicks some ass, I think you'll add love it. It was good to see Dr. Fitch again. Ladies, he's been waiting for you to check in on the message board, so get to it and visit him today. |
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This week was like all the others, good hard work mixed in with sheer stupidity. Check it out:
Unfortunately, Rich from Bloomington and his girlfriend had a falling out. As reported last week, they were going to come by for a photo shoot. Gee - I wonder if that's why Fitch showed up on Thursday? Ha! Anyway, we hope they patch things up soon and if not - best of luck to them both. It was a killer story they emailed to us, which you can read on our reviews page. We've got a show coming up on Sunday December 30th in Ottawa Illinois, so this next week begins our rigorous routine of working on the set list. We'll be sure to work the new tune in, so we can try it out on the unsuspecting metal freaks who will be there. It's an all ages show we'll be doing with the Breed of Sedition, Kingzhead, and Affective Torture. Show is at 5pm and is on route 6 west in Ottawa. warning . . . what you are about to read is extremely sensitive material it has never been seen my anyone. if you cannot deal with it, then leave now! by selecting "proceed" you agree to not hold Low Twelve responsible for anything!
are you totally sure? this is your last chance to turn back! i'm afraid, I can't handle anything, i must leave now
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| As you know, from the past
couple Brutality Reports, we have had a poser break into the Command
Center. You also know the poser was captured last Saturday December
8th. We snared him in a net and locked him in a closet. The
Poser Cam still to the right is where we left off last weekend. This
was the poser after only being in the closet for a short period of time,
and being forced to listen to Slayer's classic of classics, "Reign in
Blood".
In the Hump Day Report this week, I told you that the poser had already listened to the cd 180 times. My friends, that is only the beginning of the story this week. The poser has made some major life transformations this week, as he's been put through a new procedure that I've developed. I've spent many years on it, and now for the first time ever, am unveiling it for all the world to see. You will see the first documented posercism on the planet. |
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It was a grueling process my
friends, and at times it wasn't very pretty at all. The poser became
violent, as he began to realize the error of his ways. He was seeing
how real metal heads were laughing at him when he listened to the gay
music he was listening to. During this procedure a poser can become
suicidal, when the shame of his poser ways is realized. It's an ugly
thing to see! We kept him on a suicide watch during the
therapy.
The Poser Cam still to the left, shows the poser screaming out the words to "Reign in Blood". Here he is doing the scream at the onset of the cd, as "Angel of Death" busts in. This was when I knew he was ready. In order to make this step complete, the poser must listen to "Reign in Blood" exactly 666 times. This is the only way to ensure proper removal of poser demons. |
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We knew the poser was ready, since he had listened to "Reign in Blood" 666 times in a row, and was now singing the words and raising a fist up high during the whole thing. We removed him from the closet and put him on a couch in a room adjacent to the Command Center. His body was limp and exhausted from the relentless hours of therapy. Now the subject was ready for the posercism to begin. Thanks to Hippie, who acted as my assistant during the procedure, we were able to get these never-seen photos of the ritual. Watch and learn my friends, but do NOT try this at home. I am a highly skilled professional, and have studied the art of posercisms for years. This can be very dangerous if you don't know what you're doing!
Thankfully the poser came out of it and was converted to our side. Here you can see him, after the posercism was complete, wearing a Low Twelve t-shirt and giving you a real metal salute. You gotta love it! Like I said, don't try this at home, it must be left to trained posercists like myself. upcoming shows |
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Sunday
December 30th Saturday
January 19th Friday
February 1st Thanks for reading the Brutality Report . . . we hope you enjoyed your weekly brutalization. If you would like to be added to our email list to receive the link to this report each week, and get our Hump Day Report each Wednesday - then email contact@lowtwelve.com More Brutal Than Any Other,
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